Welcome to the New Year
Howdy readers. I've been on unintentional hiatus due to my generally pissy mood.
Nothing like a new year to help you reflect on how completely unproductive you were in the last year. I call 2004 The Year of Spinning My Wheels. The Year of No Personal Growth. The Year of Confirming Over and Over That I'm a Myers-Briggs 'P': Perceiving. In other words, I start projects and never finish them.
I'm not even sure if 2005 will be any different, after talking to a few returned Peace Corps volunteers. If time and government agencies move slowly in the industrialized West, imagine how slowly they move, or rather how quickly they resist change, in a developing nation. I'm not sure if I can deal with 27 months of waiting for people to respond to things I've done or said or requested. In Africa. In another language. For $150 a month.
Frequent readers may have noticed that I've gotten reacquainted with someone who has come and gone in my life for some time now. His name is Depression. It's like that Dixie Chicks song, Mr. Heartache:
I wish I could say it's nice
To see you back again
We're not exactly strangers
But we're not exactly friends
You know you're not invited but
You keep on comin' round
The last thing that I need is you
To kick me when I'm down...
Anyway, the bastard knocks like, hourly these days. I measure each day by how successfully I fend him off each time he comes a-tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. I have this problem with lack of structure. I can't get stuff done, like getting out of bed in the morning. I also have this problem with structure. I don't like being told what to do or when to do it, like getting out of bed in the morning. I really and truly believe that Buddhists are the wisest people in the world. Balance is key. So I've decided to find a balance between creating some fairly structured framework within which I can get stuff done on a daily basis, but not create too much rigidity. Goal #1: Wake up everyday at 8am. The first time 8am rolled around, I was still asleep. Jeff suggested that my goals should also be reasonable. Goal #1, revision 1: Wake up everyday at the same time. Well, I have given myself about a half hour leeway in either direction, and that seems to work for me. I now rise every morning between 8:45 and 9:45. Feel free to call me that early.
To be happy, one must shed all desires. To our self-absorbed, achievement-oriented, status-seeking Western minds, that seems like a silly principle: Lower your expectations to nothing and you can't possibly be disappointed. I do see their point, though. It's more of a half full/half empty thing. My friend once said she wakes up every morning feeling grateful. I wake up every morning feeling like crap. I don't have a job. I don't have a dog. I'm spinning my wheels. I'll never afford a house. My parents think I'm a failure. If I were a good Buddhist I would wake up every morning thinking I have endless opportunities in this world. I am skinnier than I've ever been thanks to Mr. Depression. I still have enough money to last me until April before I am cast across the street to push shopping carts with the homeless in Golden Gate Park. So I try to shed my desires. I try to shed my sense of entitlement. And I send out resumes. Lots and lots of resumes. Anyone need a brilliant writer or marketing guru? Call me. Especially if you're into serving disadvantaged populations. Immigrants, ethnic communities, artists.
Nothing like a new year to help you reflect on how completely unproductive you were in the last year. I call 2004 The Year of Spinning My Wheels. The Year of No Personal Growth. The Year of Confirming Over and Over That I'm a Myers-Briggs 'P': Perceiving. In other words, I start projects and never finish them.
I'm not even sure if 2005 will be any different, after talking to a few returned Peace Corps volunteers. If time and government agencies move slowly in the industrialized West, imagine how slowly they move, or rather how quickly they resist change, in a developing nation. I'm not sure if I can deal with 27 months of waiting for people to respond to things I've done or said or requested. In Africa. In another language. For $150 a month.
Frequent readers may have noticed that I've gotten reacquainted with someone who has come and gone in my life for some time now. His name is Depression. It's like that Dixie Chicks song, Mr. Heartache:
I wish I could say it's nice
To see you back again
We're not exactly strangers
But we're not exactly friends
You know you're not invited but
You keep on comin' round
The last thing that I need is you
To kick me when I'm down...
Anyway, the bastard knocks like, hourly these days. I measure each day by how successfully I fend him off each time he comes a-tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. I have this problem with lack of structure. I can't get stuff done, like getting out of bed in the morning. I also have this problem with structure. I don't like being told what to do or when to do it, like getting out of bed in the morning. I really and truly believe that Buddhists are the wisest people in the world. Balance is key. So I've decided to find a balance between creating some fairly structured framework within which I can get stuff done on a daily basis, but not create too much rigidity. Goal #1: Wake up everyday at 8am. The first time 8am rolled around, I was still asleep. Jeff suggested that my goals should also be reasonable. Goal #1, revision 1: Wake up everyday at the same time. Well, I have given myself about a half hour leeway in either direction, and that seems to work for me. I now rise every morning between 8:45 and 9:45. Feel free to call me that early.
To be happy, one must shed all desires. To our self-absorbed, achievement-oriented, status-seeking Western minds, that seems like a silly principle: Lower your expectations to nothing and you can't possibly be disappointed. I do see their point, though. It's more of a half full/half empty thing. My friend once said she wakes up every morning feeling grateful. I wake up every morning feeling like crap. I don't have a job. I don't have a dog. I'm spinning my wheels. I'll never afford a house. My parents think I'm a failure. If I were a good Buddhist I would wake up every morning thinking I have endless opportunities in this world. I am skinnier than I've ever been thanks to Mr. Depression. I still have enough money to last me until April before I am cast across the street to push shopping carts with the homeless in Golden Gate Park. So I try to shed my desires. I try to shed my sense of entitlement. And I send out resumes. Lots and lots of resumes. Anyone need a brilliant writer or marketing guru? Call me. Especially if you're into serving disadvantaged populations. Immigrants, ethnic communities, artists.
posted by Justina at 11:59 PM
1 Comments:
Justina - Tis, me...Lydia. Reading your blog makes me feel like I'm not alone. Just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you! Please send me your mailing address by email. I want to send you a valentine's day card (ambitious goal #1 for the new year). HUGS, Lyd
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