I Punch Hos
So I am downstairs in the supply room hoarding 8-tab dividers for Andy when a box on a shelf catches my eye. It says "Punch Disks" on the front, with an explanation: "12 Pieces For Ho-Punch and Punch Boy Use." To clarify, one side reads "HO-PUNCH SPARE PARTS." I stare at it for a bit, thinking this MUST be a joke, except that no one in my entire company has a sense of humor that highly developed.
I put down the stack of dividers that I'm about to steal for Andy so I can inspect the box more closely. There is no other writing anywhere on the box, only a UPC symbol on the side panel. Inside I find a bag of blue plastic discs slightly larger than quarters. I count them: nine. Someone must be using the other three. I am dying to take a picture to show someone in my office, but not only do I not have a camera on me, but I also sense that no one I work with would know how to appreciate the joke. I turn and leave, reluctantly, without the box, thinking about how disappointingly my cube neighbors would react if presented with a box of Ho-Punch Spare Parts:
Andy (with characteristic lilting intonation and no emotion whatsoever): Ah. Ha ha. Oh, I see. Oh, ha ha. How funny. Ha ha. Oh, what's that? Oh, what? Oh, how funny. Ha ha.
Louisa (staring blankly): What? Ho? What's a ho?
Mark (stiffly): Uh. Huh. Interesting.
Back at my desk, I fire off an instant message.
justina: not that you're the office suppy expert or anything, but if you saw a box in the supply room that said "ho-punch", what would you think it was?
justina: and then the box said "for ho-punch and punch boy use"
justina: you think it's a joke?
fj: :))
justina: seriously
fj: that's bizarre
fj: and hilarious!
justina: what's a punch boy?
fj: ???
fj: no clue!
fj: Top Ten Punch Boy. Simulates realistic contact with a human body. Made from Bayflex, it guarantees maximum shock absorption, durability and hygiene. Supplied with durable free standing base with high tensile spring, outside sack made from tough, nip proof vinyl easily filled with sand.
justina: then what does that have to do with a ho-punch?
fj: hm
fj: maybe you ho-punch the punch-boy
After five minutes of ho jokes, I can't stand it anymore.
justina: brb
fj: k
There is another woman sifting for pens in a drawer when I return to the supply room. After she leaves, I look around to make sure no one else is nearby, and then swipe the Ho-Punch box and a few packs of Post-It flags for camouflage. I make my way nervously past people in the hall, up 28 floors in an elevator with two men who glance suspiciously at my disguised box, and back to my desk.
Heart pounding, I weigh my options. Since the scanner is in a high-traffic area, I opt for the xerox machine. The resulting photocopy is a mess of black, because I can't fully close the copier lid over the box. On top of that, the box's blue print doesn't show up in the copy, so all I can make out are the words "SPARE PARTS." Time to take a riskier approach.
It occurs to me to remove the contents and flatten the box so that the two printed panels are on a single, reproducible plane. I sit down at the scanner and slide both the flattened box and its contents onto the scanning glass. Mark keeps walking by to pick up printouts from the nearby printer, so I curse him in my head until his print job finishes.
The scan turns out well. Ah, how archaic our technology without cell phone cameras.
justina: check your email
fj: nice!
fj: that's bizarre!
fj: I sent it to Stacy, maybe he knows what it is
fj: Stacy: All I'm sayin is that if there are spare parts for ho-punches then we are in business..
fj: Janice says: No clue! But you know, I get this catalog all the time here for 10 million things you may want in your warehouse and the next time it comes I'll pay attention. If you figure it out in the meantime, please do share.
fj: she's the office manager
fj: so she knows all
Since even omniscient Janice can't solve the mystery, I make one more trip down to the supply room for a final investigation.
justina: i saw the ho-puncher downstairs
fj: eh?
justina: those blue disks go under the punch pins
fj: a pimp?
fj: eh???
fj: where does the ho go???
justina: in the left margin
justina: it still doesn't explain the packaging, but the product itself is actually used
fj: okay
fj: so what is a ho in the context of this ho-puncher?
justina: i'm still trying to figure out what the punch boy is
fj: but what's a ho???
justina: it wears a short skirt and hangs out on market and 11th
fj: oh goddamnit
------------------------------
A free bag of peanut M&Ms for the answer to the burning question: What's a Punch Boy?
I put down the stack of dividers that I'm about to steal for Andy so I can inspect the box more closely. There is no other writing anywhere on the box, only a UPC symbol on the side panel. Inside I find a bag of blue plastic discs slightly larger than quarters. I count them: nine. Someone must be using the other three. I am dying to take a picture to show someone in my office, but not only do I not have a camera on me, but I also sense that no one I work with would know how to appreciate the joke. I turn and leave, reluctantly, without the box, thinking about how disappointingly my cube neighbors would react if presented with a box of Ho-Punch Spare Parts:
Andy (with characteristic lilting intonation and no emotion whatsoever): Ah. Ha ha. Oh, I see. Oh, ha ha. How funny. Ha ha. Oh, what's that? Oh, what? Oh, how funny. Ha ha.
Louisa (staring blankly): What? Ho? What's a ho?
Mark (stiffly): Uh. Huh. Interesting.
Back at my desk, I fire off an instant message.
justina: not that you're the office suppy expert or anything, but if you saw a box in the supply room that said "ho-punch", what would you think it was?
justina: and then the box said "for ho-punch and punch boy use"
justina: you think it's a joke?
fj: :))
justina: seriously
fj: that's bizarre
fj: and hilarious!
justina: what's a punch boy?
fj: ???
fj: no clue!
fj: Top Ten Punch Boy. Simulates realistic contact with a human body. Made from Bayflex, it guarantees maximum shock absorption, durability and hygiene. Supplied with durable free standing base with high tensile spring, outside sack made from tough, nip proof vinyl easily filled with sand.
justina: then what does that have to do with a ho-punch?
fj: hm
fj: maybe you ho-punch the punch-boy
After five minutes of ho jokes, I can't stand it anymore.
justina: brb
fj: k
There is another woman sifting for pens in a drawer when I return to the supply room. After she leaves, I look around to make sure no one else is nearby, and then swipe the Ho-Punch box and a few packs of Post-It flags for camouflage. I make my way nervously past people in the hall, up 28 floors in an elevator with two men who glance suspiciously at my disguised box, and back to my desk.
Heart pounding, I weigh my options. Since the scanner is in a high-traffic area, I opt for the xerox machine. The resulting photocopy is a mess of black, because I can't fully close the copier lid over the box. On top of that, the box's blue print doesn't show up in the copy, so all I can make out are the words "SPARE PARTS." Time to take a riskier approach.
It occurs to me to remove the contents and flatten the box so that the two printed panels are on a single, reproducible plane. I sit down at the scanner and slide both the flattened box and its contents onto the scanning glass. Mark keeps walking by to pick up printouts from the nearby printer, so I curse him in my head until his print job finishes.
The scan turns out well. Ah, how archaic our technology without cell phone cameras.
justina: check your email
fj: nice!
fj: that's bizarre!
fj: I sent it to Stacy, maybe he knows what it is
fj: Stacy: All I'm sayin is that if there are spare parts for ho-punches then we are in business..
fj: Janice says: No clue! But you know, I get this catalog all the time here for 10 million things you may want in your warehouse and the next time it comes I'll pay attention. If you figure it out in the meantime, please do share.
fj: she's the office manager
fj: so she knows all
Since even omniscient Janice can't solve the mystery, I make one more trip down to the supply room for a final investigation.
justina: i saw the ho-puncher downstairs
fj: eh?
justina: those blue disks go under the punch pins
fj: a pimp?
fj: eh???
fj: where does the ho go???
justina: in the left margin
justina: it still doesn't explain the packaging, but the product itself is actually used
fj: okay
fj: so what is a ho in the context of this ho-puncher?
justina: i'm still trying to figure out what the punch boy is
fj: but what's a ho???
justina: it wears a short skirt and hangs out on market and 11th
fj: oh goddamnit
------------------------------
A free bag of peanut M&Ms for the answer to the burning question: What's a Punch Boy?
posted by Justina at 11:36 PM
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